The Hampshire Sexperts

Thanks for your question! We have been hearing a lot of people complain of different kinds of pain during/after sex, and our biggest suggestion is lube, lube, lube! Even if you feel like you are naturally well-lubricated, lube never hurts and often reduces pain. Especially if you’re already sore, it’s a good idea to buy a lubricant that is natural and glycerin-free. If you’re in the Pioneer Valley, Oh My is a great local sex store with a wide variety of lube. You might want to ask one of the employees there (or at your local sex store) about a lube that will fit your needs.

Even if P-in-V sex is your favorite, you might try taking a break from that by only having oral sex or another type of sex for a few days. There are so many ways to have sex, we guarantee there are other methods you’ll enjoy!

Hey!  Thanks for writing.  You’re right in that there’s definitely nothing strange happening with y’all.  You make a great point about the internet/  culture not recognizing variety within sexuality, especially with regards to the idea that all men always want all sorts of sexual stimulation at all times.  As you said, we know this isn’t true.  Just because your partner’s sexual practices aren’t represented on the internet doesn’t mean anything’s wrong, and doesn’t mean he’s the only one.  Far from it.  Our lived experiences can get lost amongst sexual stereotypes really easily, and it’s great that you’re aware that your experience is totally normal.

Tiny correction: The word we used was polyamory, not polygamy. They connote very different things.

We did not mean to imply that people interested in monogamy are a “small minority” at Hampshire. Though we have not surveyed the whole school about their relationship and sexual preferences, we think it’s safe to say that many, many students have an interest in dating one partner at a time. You will probably find that lots of Hampshire students don’t want to engage in hook up culture either. It’s just a matter of finding folks on the same wavelength.

Thinking about what college will be like comes with worries for everyone, but try not to stress! There are lots of people with varied interests at Hampshire. Also, don’t forget there are four other schools in the consortium with thousands of college students for potential friends/dates/lovers/partners/whatever. :)

“Safe enough” is not a universal standard, so we can’t give you a definite answer for that.  Generally speaking, it’s better to have a back-up method (like the pill, the patch, IUD, abstaining from intercourse during fertile days, etc) in case the condom fails for some reason.  When using condoms correctly, the efficacy rate for pregnancy prevention is about 98%… but perfect use is not often the reality, and the efficacy rate falls to around 85% when you account for user error. It’s probably a good idea to for these people to have a conversation about their approach to preventing pregnancy. Contraception is great, but no method (except constant abstinence) is 100% guaranteed. If the female assigned person feels comfortable, they might want to keep a dose of Plan B on hand in case the condom does break. This is a good compromise if they’re wanting to avoid regular (as in daily, monthly, or more long term) birth control methods. Ultimately, this is something only these two people can decide. The person whose body has the capacity to get pregnant might also look into making an appointment with an OB/GYN or Planned Parenthood to discuss their options.

Here’s a good place to start exploring: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control-4211.htm

While we can’t speak to exactly the breakdown of kinds of sexual relationships, you’re not totally wrong in your perception of the way people interact.  Hampshire is a college that is unique in many ways, but not exempt from university culture.  Drunken weekend party scene makeouts abound, but that’s not to say people don’t engage in more “romantic” or “devoted” kinds of intimacy.  There is a hook up culture, but that’s not explicitly opposite or interrelated to how many people are in committed relationships.  What we’ve heard about how they’re related is that it can be hard to get into a committed relationship without participating in hook up culture.  Our advice: ask someone on a date!  Everyone wants to get asked on a date, but rarely do people work up the gumption.  Plenty of people are on internet dating sites (OkCupid, for example) clearly looking for something more long-term.  Additionally, monogamous relationships are not the only way of cultivating romance or devotion.  Hampshire has a significant number of folks who operate in a polyamorous relationship style, which can take endless forms depending on the people involved.  We highly recommend you check out the book The Ethical Slut, which has great advice for communication, setting boundaries, dealing with jealousy, etc and is relevant to all kinds of relationships.  Wanting monogamy is valid!  You should be open about that and ask people on dates and they will be very appreciative of you!

In order for HSV 2 to be transmitted, it would need to be from one mucus-y place to another, which means that touching his leg or arm wouldn’t spread it, but touching the mouth, anus, penis, or vagina would. It’s mucus membrane appropriate. The virus can live for up to five minutes maximum in the air but typically only lasts for two or three. Using barriers consistently lowers your risk of transmission significantly, so keep it up! Even if you haven’t had a genital outbreak recently, it is still possible to spread. 

(cont.) nesscicarily any consent given by any party. I really enjoyed the sex but I just dont know how to feel about this. What does consent mean? How do you reconcile when no consent is given but it seems like both parties are enjoying it and it continues.

Our answer:

Consent comes in many forms, Sometimes it’s verbal, other times it’s based off more of physical cues. It’s important  to keep in mind what form is most comfortable for you. It may be helpful, although not always possible, to make a consent plan with your partner before engaging in sexual activity that takes into consideration what they are comfortable with and how they prefer to communicate; for example, if they prefer that each act is prefaced with verbal consent (before taking off an article of clothing, before kissing, etc.). If you’re feeling confused or uncertain about what is going on between you and your partner, it’s your responsibility to check in and let it be known what you’re feeling! 

Hampshire College’s Sexual Offenses Policy (updated Spring 2013) states that: 

“Ideally, consent is given verbally. However, consent can also be 

expressed (given or withdrawn) through mutually understandable body 

language. For example, active reciprocation could express consent; 

pushing someone away or moving away could express lack of consent.

• Body language and even verbal responses may be ambiguous. It may 

also be unclear who is responsible for getting consent and who is 

responsible for giving consent at any particular moment. If consent is 

unclear, there is a risk of committing a sexual offense. Consequently, 

when in doubt, each participant in the activity should stop and ASK.”

You can find more information on the Sexual Offenses Policy here: http://www.hampshire.edu/shared_files/sexual-offense-policy-2012.pdf

We think it’s really incredible that you took the time to consider consent. We encourage reflection on your consent practices; this could be done by keeping a “Consent Journal!”

If you’re still feeling uneasy about this situation, don’t hesitate to contact Brittanie Tarczynski. Brittanie is the temporary sexual offenses counselor, and her office is located in the Wellness Center. Her office hours are as follows:

      Monday: 2:00-8:30 p.m.
      Tuesday: 5:30-9:00 p.m.
      Wednesday: 5:30-9:00 p.m.
      Friday: 2:00-8:30 p.m.